Finding Intimacy: Navigating Online Dating
Many of my psychotherapy clients are grappling with the highs and lows of finding intimacy through online dating. Many dive in hoping for the best, and after a few months resurface exhausted, depleted, and frustrated with their experience. I like to offer my therapy clients the frame that finding intimacy with online dating is a mental, emotional and visceral process. All three of these areas need to be tended to when managing the potential excitement, vulnerability, and energy needed to stay the online dating course.
Take Mental Notes
Often when we are swiping to find a potential date and/or partner, our mind swings between our internal Critic and the Fantasy Maker parts of ourselves. Our Critic can be at the fore, quickly noting the imperfections of a person’s photo or profile. On the other hand, our Fantasy Maker can focus in on some aspect of a profile to the exclusion of other aspects.
Here are some suggestions I offer to my clients:
Check in on your mental mood before deciding to open up your dating app. It’s important to bring an open and curious mind to browsing photos/profiles.
Browse for no more than 20-25 minutes at a time. This can help mitigate depleting your energy and getting into negative thought spirals about finding intimacy.
If the Critic arrives, see if you can transform it from being a vigilant judge to a discerning friend that acknowledges everyone has flaws, including you.
If you notice the Critic wanting to think something snide or unkind about someone, in your mind’s eye, say a phrase like “be well” to the profile you are looking at and move on. This will help keep your mood upbeat and won’t deplete your energy with negative thinking in your journey to finding intimacy.
If your Fantasy Maker appears, slow down when you read a profile so you can fully digest the information a person is sharing. Work on seeing red flags even when other areas of their profile seem like a good match. Wish them well on their path to finding someone that is a good fit.
Ride Emotional Tides
Dating is a vulnerable experience. Everyone feels vulnerable in some way. I remind my clients that they are not alone in feeling nervous. Many cultures do not encourage us to admit when we feel vulnerable. We may feel that the nervous butterflies in our stomach need to be gotten rid of, but in reality there is nothing wrong with feeling butterflies in our stomach! It might not be an easy sensation to tolerate, but these are signs that our human attachment system is alive and kicking, working to energize us to seek out positive and supportive human connections. The butterflies are one way our nervous system reminds us that connection with others is a part of our well-being.
I suggest to my psychotherapy clients that they greet their feelings of vulnerability with curiosity and compassion. To offer these vulnerable parts the space to have their say (“I feel so awkward, what if we have nothing to talk about?”) and then soothe them with a comforting dialogue (“I know it is hard to tolerate feeling awkward, and even if there is not much to talk about, I bet we will learn at least one new interesting fact in the conversation.”) Giving space to listen to our emotional tides, and entering into a thoughtful and kind dialogue with them, helps us to be present with our dating experience, guiding us to know when we need to take a break from the process and restore, as well as when to move forward with our desire to find intimacy.
Regulate Visceral Sensations
Our nervous system can be our partner or our antagonist when dating. It is critical to be aware of the importance of tracking when we are heading towards stress and dysregulation.
When you are on a dating app, notice how you are feeling in your body. Does your stomach feel tight and your jaw slightly clenched? Or are you breathing with your belly and feeling your shoulders relaxed?
If you are aware of specific areas where you hold stress in your body, place one hand on your stomach and one hand on your chest. Notice the effects on your nervous system of bringing your awareness to the connection of your hands to your body. See if you can rest your stress in the warmth of your hands and the sense that you are being held and supported.
Another tool that turns on the parasympathetic nervous system is inhaling through your nostrils, and then exhaling the breath out your mouth as if you were breathing out through a straw. Do this gently for at least 9 rounds and this will cue your nervous system to calm.
Check in with your body before heading out the door on a date. Are there physical sensations that signal parts of you are holding anxiety, excitement or fatigue? Maybe all three at once! See if you can offer soothing words to the parts of you that are holding more challenging sensations, rest in sensations that feel supportive, and bring some vital breath to those parts that might be feeling drained.
Finding intimacy is a mental, emotional and visceral process. By tending to these different aspects of yourself, you can be present to your dating experiences without getting overwhelmed or underwhelmed. If you’d like to learn more about intimacy therapy, and tools to help you find intimacy, I can be reached at 415.721.3355 or by email to discuss how we can work together. You can also read about my approach to therapy.